Umm... I think most ppl don't realize that depression is a disease... as in it is not psychological. I don't know much about it, and I should definitely know more, but neurotransmitters are involved and hence it is neurological. Basically something is wrong with your brain, sort of like schizphrenia and Parkinson's. (:D feel better? :P) How does it happen, I don't know as well, but I do remember that for the longest time (before I took my one and only physiology course), I thought it's purely psychological: it happens to ppl who are weak, lack of mental strength and so on. That was among the top few items on "myths about depression" slide the prof had. A lot of ppl are slightly depressed, they might or might not know it, of course. Then there are the clinically depressed who should take drugs to help them with the condition. If I remember my slides correctly, 50% percent of the time the drug is effective in improving depression. I don't even like feeling sad, or hungry, for that matter, so I can't possibly imagined how it would be like to be really depressed, not I-gained-5-pounds kinda depressed. So I can only say take your time and take care, friends and family are always there for you to rant and vent and abuse and well.. support. It's always important to stay strong, whether in fighting between-lunch-and-dinner hunger, hang overs, bosses or depression. And maybe, just maybe, you can start watching Sarah Silverman clips with me too coz I think she pretty good.

123 Don't shove me forward.

The reason why I don't want to tell people about this is because people do not understand about my condition, but they act as if they do. I'm taking these steps slowly and they're pressing for you to take leaps over mountains. And I can't do it. Then they keep pressing.

Look, I didn't believe it at first either, I didn't believe I'm ever inflicted with this stupid SOB of a condition. But I have come to terms with accepting it, and it is very annoying and hurtful to know that friends whom you are close to can't give a damn about you and don't bother to try to understand BEFORE saying something or try to be a know-it-all.

"Don't run away. Just snap out of it. You have to face it. It's that simple."

My problem is I can't even face it, you are pushing me to do this and I can't even pick up myself. I am stuck, so stuck and I don't even want to live to see a new day. Don't tell me things like "It all depends on how you think" and shit like that because I've heard it all before. Don't tell me things like "Just get it over with" because if I could get it over with, I wouldn't need to go through all these treatment and shit, and having to increase the bloody dosage for Prozac. It's not like I wanted it.

Don't ask me questions like "Why no confidence"

"Why don't you.."

"Why do you feel..."

"So ask yourself this.."

It's so annoying. She made me angry when after I said, "I don't feel like answering those now," and she said, "You don't have to answer me! Just answer yourself. Very important! Answer yourself is enough. You'll discover this this that that etc."

Why are people trying to play psychiatrist? She talks as if it's just some blocky phase I have to jump over by answering those questions and everything will be okay.

I blocked her on MSN. I don't know when I'll unblock. Next year, maybe.

Hush

I have no idea why I would know this better than you. When you asked for a second chance I know you didn't really mean it the way you think you did. Honest, I'm not scared of being wrong, I would love to be wrong for this. It would have been so easy to just believe you, or to let you believe your own words. Harder than not getting what you want is to have it presented as an illusion in front of you. Perhaps it was the other way around, you know me too well, and you know exactly what would torture me. My head hurts. It's just the age old question, how about I just tell you what you want to satisfy your ego and you'll leave me alone? I'm too proud to say it, and I like the idea that soon enough the answer will be reduced to a smile and a shrug, and you'll never find out if I was once tempted.